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Conscious Relationship: counselling tip #1

  |   counselling, relationships

Connection requires Separateness – find your flow

Intimate relationships challenge us to grow, to become more self-aware. At points it may seem as though differences, rather than similarities, between you and your partner surface more readily. The loving connection is replaced with discontent and irritability. During these crucial junctions it’s important to first ask yourself – what do I need?

Healthy relationships require a space for individual and together time.

Often, when the flow of connection evaporates, we pursue our partner for the solution, before taking time to personally reflect about our own needs first. The disconnection grows and we become convinced that the problem is our partner, or their lack of understanding, or that the relationship is flawed in some way. Ironically, the lack of understanding may stem from our lack of willingness to become more self-aware of our own needs first. In other words, projection can be at the root of many perceived relationship problems. Projection is when we cannot, or will not, look at something within ourselves, and quite convincingly believe that is issue is outside of us.

Relationships may be the catalyst for our growth – but it’s up to us to take the personal space to process this growth. Two people rarely, if ever, grow at the same rate at the same time. This expectation – that you are both in a shared experience of life, and that you will therefore have the same needs around togetherness and separateness, sets us up for false expectations.

Successful couples learn the art of knowing how much individual space, and how much together space that they both need. Learning to identify, and ask directly for what you need is key for love to thrive. Ask yourself the next time you find yourself frustrated and disconnected – do I need some individual time to just get clear about what I need?