Reaction to your Reactions
“What would happen if I stopped the reaction to your reactions?” a client recently wondered amidst yet another recycled argument with her partner.
This truly was a breakthrough and a turning point that may well change the entire course of their future together.
The question arrived sincerely and spontaneously – like a flipped light switch. In my relationship journey, I have experienced many of these moments, and I am delighted to witness them in others. Shifts occur as soon as we ask the right question rather than trying to discover change from an old perspective.
A typical pattern for many couples is to repeatedly keep having the same defensive argument. Both people may want their point of view to be accepted, listened to, or agreed with. When this basic need isn’t met – defensiveness in many different shapes and forms begins to surface. Couples often know their pattern, how defensive they are, what they need, and what they are trying to say. However, getting into the same argument again is so compelling that it pulls both partners into a tug of war. In many ways, this is normal because no one else on Earth has as much emotional power as your Beloved.
The pattern of persistently recycling your defensive postures, however, has a limit. This client brilliantly asked, “If I don’t react, what would I truly want to respond with – really, what do I need to say?” We become defensive and react without knowing why. Before deeper fissures occur in your relationship, ask yourself what else is possible besides reacting.
Skilled therapy can allow you to understand what your defensiveness means, and new insights alone can help many old patterns dissolve. Ultimately though, the switch needs to flip inside of you to want new ways of being in the relationship.