One Size Does Not Fit All in Couples Counselling
Reflections on Couples Counselling -Therapeutic approach
One of my clients recently recommended me to her friend, who needed a couple’s therapist. When asked about my therapeutic approach, unsure of how to respond, my client queried me, “what kind of therapy is this, anyway?” We had been working together for some time. She had been openly appreciative of the process and her progress. Even though there were benefits, she didn’t understand how that process or progress happened.
Hesitant to label my therapeutic approach. I was more curious than resistant. Indeed the question was valid. I’d given it a serious reflection on several occasions throughout my career, typically when asked to provide a bio or a profile. Invariably the question never satisfied me, and my answers usually felt incomplete.
The truth is that one size does not fit all in couples therapy. Everyone presents a unique universe of personality, life, and family experiences. When two people connect, the whole thing has a catalytic charge. Because of these influences, couple’s therapy is dynamic, with many variables interacting at once.
When a couple is in turmoil, their senses and emotions are heightened.
Uncertainty about each other and the process are characteristic. It’s key to the foundation of successful therapy that the therapist develops a good connection with each partner. This naturally requires diverse approaches. As Carl Rogers (seminal Humanistic theorist) observed,” it’s important to find the right fit, for the right person, at the right time.”
Aside from the different ways each relationship works, it would be best to consider how relationships as fundamental changes. Personal relationships are changing in new ways. What may have worked in theory or practice a decade or two ago rarely meets our expectations of what a successful, healthy relationship might feel like today? Attachment, communication, and appreciation are all things that people still want and need, but relationships have changed in ways that require new ways of helping people.
Now when asked about my therapeutic approach, I clearly state that I work from a client-centered (Humanistic), solution-focused stance. I use models that include mindfulness (Transpersonal), body-centered relaxation for anxiety (Somatic), and emotionally focused therapy. Depending on the client and the issues, I may lean more heavily on thought-based practices (Cognitive Behavioural, Dialectical). I observe the client’s dominant learning style before determining if a more, less directive, or even a psych-educational tool might be required. EMDR is empirically supported as a leading tool for trauma and working with sub-conscious blocks – which I can also use, if appropriate.
In short, skillful couples counseling is a bit like jazz music. First, you must learn several methods of technique. Then you practice, practice, practice. Then most importantly, let it all go to play. It’s an excellent relationship itself; no two are the same. Please read our article covering 4 ways to get the most from couples therapy.